Be Brave Be Radiant Be Auspicious Be Valuable Be Exceptional Be Self-compassionate
“ 祝大家身体健康，天天开心， 能够沐浴生活的温柔， 并于杂乱中绽放自己！
Wish good health to all, enjoy and stay happy every day, with kindness surrounding you, blooming inside darkness!
那段时间像是掉进黑色沼泽，我挣扎着，无力感一直渗透至今。
That time felt like I had fallen into the swamp, I struggled to get up, struggled to live, and powerlessness flooded over me until now.
每天晚上都会失眠，辗转反侧到凌晨才睡，但睡也不安稳，被噩梦缠绕，早上五点多又要拎着疲惫感起床。
My night is always accompanied by insomnia, it is hard for me to sleep, or to stay asleep. Nightmares surround me, and tiredness follows me. It is just a common thing for me to wake up in the morning at 5.
图源：范小白 cr. 范小白
起床后第一件事就是吃药，我早上不怎么爱吃饭，现在和之前都是，没有动力和力气是原因之一，无法做那么麻烦的事情。
Taking medicines is the first thing to do when waking up. I rarely have breakfast, it’s just too much work for me to get up and cook them. So I don’t have a lot of energy or motivation to do anything.
后来因为觉得不吃早饭可能会胆结石，就开始拖着身体做些早饭，没有多精致，只是随便煮点面吃。说是吃早饭，不如说是垫下胃，为了吃饭而吃东西，实际上就没有吃很多，看到食物就会反胃。
Later on, the doctor said not eating breakfast will result in gallstones, so I began to drag my body to the kitchen every day once I got up. Nothing fancy, just a few simple noodles for my stomach. It was eating just for the purpose of eating, for my stomach to have something, for the stabilizing of my health. I never eat a lot and get nauseous whenever I see food.
可能……我有点厌食？
It just came to me that... maybe… I have anorexia...?
然后就是出门，等车，上学。 那段时间里我对周围都很麻木，没有什么情绪，生活单纯到只剩下学习，和解脱一样的离开。
My day was just a repetition of waking up, waiting for the bus, and going to school. I was living in numbness during that period of time, surrounded by numbness, and I barely felt any emotions. The only thing that I have to do is study, plainly study, just for the good grades that I’ll get for school while hoping for relief if I leave this world.
“我最讨厌失眠！！！！！”
“I always hate insomnia!!!!”
实话实说，甚至到现在我仍觉得那段时间的我最理性，但也是真的很累。
Honestly, that time period was the time that I controlled my sanity at my best, but it was too tiring, just so tiring that I felt no motivation for anything in life.
我觉得大家都只喜欢那个虚假的我，习惯性地生活，习惯性去做一些大家都会做的事情，不表达自己，保持不真实的我。
I felt like everyone just liked me with ‘masks’ on, they liked the fake me. They like me only when I follow the crowd, only when I have no choice but to be obedient followers of leaders. I never expressed my feelings and emotions, but I have to comfort everyone around me. People will just accept me when I’m maintained as, and with, fakeness.
我不喜欢真实的自己，可是我不知道如何解决这样的矛盾，这样很累。
I don’t like the real me too, but I also don’t like people to know me by the labels I cover myself in with masks. But I never figured out how to solve this conflict, I’m so tired.
图源：范小白 cr. 范小白
我觉得我最孤独的就是很难过的时候不知道该和谁说，翻了很久的手机，却找不到一个可以说话的人。
When I’m covered in loneliness and sadness, I have no one beside me. Scrolling through my contacts, I have no one to talk to. No one will come to me, for me. No one.
能有好的睡眠是很幸福的事，希望大家都睡个好觉啦。
It is bliss given by God to have a good sleep. Hope everyone who is reading my story can have a good sleep and never experience insomnia.
图源：范小白 cr. 范小白
我们都会褪去黑色的外衣，见到曙光。无论黑夜如何波涛汹涌，如何吞噬着光亮，太阳也依旧会升起在地平线上！如果夜晚难眠，我们恰也见到了星光闪烁，这是别样的体验。痛苦在生活里奔涌，我们亦可起舞，在生命中张弛！大家加油！
The raging waves of dilemma, devouring the only source of light. No matter how much darkness we are in, it will fade away one day, and light is right beyond the dawn. The sun will rise above the horizon, it will illuminate all the darkness, and cure all misfortunate of angels. If the night is surrounded by insomnia, stars are still shining above our heads, guiding our journey towards the other aspect of beauty. Life is accompanied by pain, but it does not affect us to dance through dilemmas and race with all, to encounter a new life. Go for it! Show your talents! Show your differences! Be your true self! And last but not least, run away from unluckiness and the chase for a new life!!
图源：范小白 cr. 范小白
本期作者｜南江 本期编辑｜孔晶堃 本期翻译｜Mao9 本期排版｜Dorothy Instagram｜BRAVES Red｜BRAVES
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