“请让我沉浸在棉花糖与云朵的雪白之中”

Be Brave

Be Radiant

Be Auspicious

Be Valuable

Be Exceptional

Be Self-compassionate

这是痛苦时写下的文字，最近好转了很多很多，大约是因为朋友的帮助。希望现在的自己能够通过这些文字让更多的人了解抑郁症，以此来帮助还深陷其中的人。

This is what I wrote while in pain. I have improved a lot recently, possibly due to the help of my friends. I hope that I can use these words to let more people know about depression, so as to help those who are still deeply involved.

记一次哭

A Record of Crying

有些迷茫，

A bit confused,

有些想要逃离痛苦，

a bit want to escape,

有些想要告别。

a bit want to say goodbye.

想不到的事情很多，

A lot of things I could not envision,

不懂得，没有做过，

or could not understand,  or never done,

不能做的事情很多。

a lot cannot be done.

要做却没有做的事情很多，

A lot to try yet have not started,

思想的牢笼很多，

a lot of imprisonment of thoughts,

罪犯，很多。

a lot criminals, too.

”

图源：网络

cr. Internet

兴许是最近发生了太多，也许是躯体化[1]日益严重，故在此写下些什么。

Possibly because too much has happened recently, maybe because of the increasing somatization[1], I, therefore, write something here.

大概会有很多人都诧异道：卡西这样没心没肺的怎么会抑郁呢。但是对我而言的世界，真的很乱，很多洞。在没有人的地方到处都是泪痕，最多的话是对他和对棉花糖味的兔子。如今他死了，噩梦里只有兔子实行拯救。

A lot of people would be surprised: How can someone as careless as Cassie be depressed? But the world to me is really messy, with lots of holes in it. Tears spread everywhere where no one was around, and most of the words were to him and the bunny with marshmallow flavors. Now that he's dead, it’s only the rabbit that could save me from the nightmare.

我的躯体化：三天两头的鼻血，上课上到一半的耳鸣，肌肉抽动，手指难以行动。

My somatization: nosebleeds every two or three days, tinnitus halfway through the class, muscle twitching, and difficulty moving my fingers.

这样活着真的烂透了。

It really sucks to live like this.

图源：日本画师 Avogado6

cr. Avogado6

其实有太多可以说了，但真的要写下来的时候也会语塞。从一开始害怕死亡，到后来怕的是死后别人说：这人死了就是闲出来的，活得太好了。当然，社会固然存在评头论足，只是我太胆小。

In fact, there is so much that can be said, but I am stuck when I really want to write it down. From the beginning, I was afraid of death, but later I was afraid that someone would say after my death: This person is free when he dies, and he lives too well. Of course, there are opinions that exist in society, it’s just that I am too timid.

总是有很多很多药。但是大约是叛逆，遵医嘱这三个字好像对我来说是放屁，已经大概有两三周生活里没有药物了。我一开始也试图让自己遵守，给药盒贴了自己喜欢的贴纸（见图一），让它看起来可爱一些，但好像也没什么用。吃完药后的嗜睡和头晕，使药还是那么的不可爱。于是药盒就一直在书包的底部，埋没在除了书本的一切里。也许我就是不符合常理的存在……

There are always many, many medications. Maybe it's about rebellion. “Follow the doctor’s advice,” The three words following seem to be nothing to me. I have been without the meds in my life for about two or three weeks. I tried to make myself follow at first by putting my favorite sticker on the medicine box (see Figure 1) to make it look cute, but it didn't seem to work. The drowsiness and dizziness after taking medicine make the meds unlovable. So the pillbox was always at the bottom of the bag, buried in everything but the books. Maybe I'm just being irrational...

图一

Figure 1

我开始有些讨厌自己装作快乐的样子，知道自己逐渐分不清我到底是不是真的快乐。我开始思考在笑起来时，部肌肉要怎样才看起来比较对劲。尽管厌恶自己的虚伪，但是不会有人喜欢一直悲观的人吧，既明亮而又黑暗。如果我看起来很冷漠，可能是因为近视，也可能是在那段时间里我太过于纠结于自我的内心了。

I started to hate myself pretending to be happy, knowing that I was gradually unable to tell whether I was really happy or not. I began to think about how my muscles look right when I laugh. Although they hate their hypocrisy, no one likes someone who is always pessimistic, both bright and dark. If I look aloof, it may be because of myopia, or it may be because I was too obsessed with myself during that time.

虽然也不清楚这样写的意义是什么，但是本来就做着很多没有意义的事情，又怎么怕多这一件呢。

Even though I don't know what is the meaning of this writing, I have been doing a lot of meaningless things, so how can I be afraid of this?

图源：网络

cr. Internet

我没有什么信念，也不知道从什么时候开始这样的。我喜欢小马宝莉，但只是因为那样纯粹的、想要直接传达给受众的意义实在是太吸引人了。也算是我转移自己注意力的一种方式吧，找到了一点可以简单的追寻的东西，就不会再胡思乱想下去了。

I have no faith in things and I don't know when this started. I love My Little Pony, but only because that pure, straight-to-the-audience meaning is so appealing. It can be regarded as a way for me to divert my attention. If I find something I can pursue, maybe I won’t keep thinking about that nonsense.

情绪、思想很恐怖。我尝试控制它，但医生也问我：“为什么是控制呢，而不是引导。”

“就像你想要接近一直流浪猫，你一开始就上笼子，它肯定吓飞了，但是如果用食物和它成为好朋友呢？”医生说的的确有道理，但如何做到，我还没有研究明白。原本很简单的事情，在我的内心世界里却很能变的很复杂又可怕。极端的想法一直存在于我的思想之中，我知道什么使不正确的东西，尽量不去想，可思绪却总是牢牢的寄生在上面。

Emotions and thoughts are terrifying. I tried to control them, but my doctor asked me: “control? Why not guide?" It's like if you want to get close to a stray cat, you would not put it in a cage at the beginning, because the cage will scare it away, but what if you use food to become good friends with it?" The doctor said it is indeed reasonable, but how to befriend the emotions, I still have not understood. Simple things can become very complicated and scary in my inner world. Extreme thoughts always existed in my them. I know what makes something wrong and try not to think about it, but my thoughts are always firmly parasitic on it.

图源：网络

cr. Internet

好多人问我，要怎么才能像你一样，不用住宿啊。支支吾吾之间，我也不知道要怎么说，不是搪塞，而是是真的不知道。但是就想说，比起不住宿，在学校里至少还有大家，没有天昏地暗的世界。

A lot of people ask me, how can I be like you do not live in school? Between the hesitations, I don't know what to say. It's not prevarication, just that I really don't know. I just wanted to say that compared to not living in school, there is at least everyone in the school, with no dark world.

我作为其中一员，真的会很感谢那些希望这一群体被接纳并作出努力的人，这样的事情很有意义。心理疾病并不会仅仅停止于心理层面，如我之前提到的躯体化，对于那些人来说，真的会很痛苦。虽然我也不知道需要如何面对像我这样的人，也许平平常常就好，但是平平常常的日子，好像也太累了。

As a part of the group, I really appreciate the people who want us to be accepted and put in the effort, and things like that make a lot of sense. Mental illness doesn't stop at the psychological level, as I mentioned before with somatization, and for those people, it can be really painful. Although I don't know how to face someone like me, maybe it's good to be ordinary, but ordinary days seem to be too tiring for me.

这样的思维模式，这样的状况，不是我所想要得到的，正是因为想要逃离这样的状况，却没有办法，才会如此痛苦。这个世界也很美好，是值得珍惜的，大家真的都很好，只是我不太好。

This mode of thinking, this kind of situation, is not what I want to get, it is because I want to escape this situation, but there is no way, it is so painful. This world is so beautiful, it is worth cherishing, and everyone is really good, but I am not.

祝大家好，

且自由。

也对死亡却依然存在的他，

发自内心的感谢。

I wish everyone good,

and free.

And to him who still exists in death,

Thank you from my heart.

图源：网络

cr. Internet

附：

记于2022/07/09 好想去云上 逃离这个世界

记于2022/10/13 也许会选择在最美好的时候杀死这个世界吧

Ps.

Recorded on 2022/07/09

I want to go above the clouds to escape this world

Recorded on 2022/10/13

Maybe I will choose the best time to kill this world.

[1]躯体化：人的情绪问题没有通过心理症状表现出来，反而通过各种躯体症状表现出来。在临床治疗中常见于头痛、胃肠道感觉异常、身体多处疼痛等，部分患者会有焦虑、抑郁等情绪。

[1] Definition: conversion of a mental state (such as depression or anxiety) into physical symptoms.

Citation:

“Somatization.”, Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary, Merriam-Webster, accessed 30 November 2022 from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/somatization.

本期作者｜卡西

本期编辑｜Victoria

本期翻译｜F

本期排版｜Dorothy

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